What a horrible.. life. I have.

Especially today. Just about the worst day you can think of. Ever.

from the moment I woke up, it was no good. I dreamt a crappy dream last night about losing things I love -- i don't quite remember what. But it was.. not nice.

I dreamt a dream last night.
So did I.
what was yours?
That dreamers often lie.

So this morning I was like "dad i need to bring my guitar w/ me can we take the station wagon" and hes like "no" so he piles us all in the BMW (no clue why) and i'm liek "do you TRY to make my life hard?" and hes ilke 'actually, yes i do." and im lieK "i hate youa lot." A lecture came after.

Then the day was alright. I was pretty quiet all day. I seem to remember crying this morning but that would have been pretty weird, considering I had no reason.

I only go to school to see Tommy Wynne and Lisa. There is no other reason. Grades = i dont care anymore. I just want to finish everything. I'm just so over.. everything. I just want to be loved, cared for, taken care of. It reallky makes me sick how nobody cares about anyone anymore. I care about you, though.

I was pretty mad because I got an 87 on the spanish test. I just feel like i'm losing control. It's driving me crazy.

Tommy helps me out a lot though. He makes me laugh and he talks to me and we just talk. And he actually like, looks out fo rme to see where I am and what I'm doing and wants to talk to me and makes everything better. Even though he totally doesn't have to care at all but he does. Just nice. It's the same for wynne, although lately i feel like she hasn't been totaly as nice as she used 2 be. Lisa is awesome. She makes my world go round. She's super nice and she's super funny and just yeah. you three.

Olivia gave me my present today. It's super awesome. I'm going to put all my tommy + lisa + wynne + my old life memorobilia in it. I'm going to ask tommy if i can have the purple heart and the letter from his FHAO project. To put in my tin can. and bring with me to boarding school. He said he'd write me letters.


I hate my family a lot. They annoy me so much. My dad is a tyrant and my mom is annoying and wrapped up in her own world. theyre such hippies, too. and my sister is pretty much the same as my mom except preppy and into herself a lot. sometimes i know how muchi'm the only real person who lives in this house. drives me insane.

i need a hug. thank you elliot, for giving me hugs. you save my life. you really do. you know how it is.

During lunch i really enjoy playing guitar with wynne and tommy. and how during art and english tommy sings to me. its so cute. and how we kindof have all these little random understandings. or the way he looks at me all sweet when we're sketching eachother. it's just like. why aren't there more cool people like that out in the world? it really would make thigns better.

boarding school will suck. im not very excited anymore. i used to be, but then i realized there is 0 scene in new hampshire.

i'll miss tommy a lot. and wynne a whole ton. and lisa. and olivia and elliot and hallie and anyone else who loved me and supported me and helped me. you all save me.

half an hour ago i felt like ending it all. not seriously but if i could i want to. id ont want to to go to school, except that i want to see tommy and wynne and lisa. i dont want to go anywhere. nothing good will come out of anything. ever. i want to do something drastic. i want somebody to care for once. anything.

i know this is a huge rant, but i'm still not telling you everything because i know people read this journal, and i know i can't write in here reallly.

I am super annoyed at my parents. they could not be any more less-understanding.

really, i mean it.

i considered running away a half an hour ago. iw ould still but its getting dark, and i'm afraid of the dark.

i wish i was a vampire.

i wish i had vamp. i'm pretty sure my parents canceledmy order. i could not be any more dissapointed. really. i am so angry i could hurt them. and not be sorry.

like seriously.

i wont though because i don't do that. i am not a hurter. i am a healer. but it's too bad that nobody else in this house ever wants to heal.

this is the oxymoronic part. i want to leave and never come back. i will go to boardign school and i will refuse to come home during the holidays. i will publically embarrass my parents during parents weekend so they will never come back. i will never write to them. i will isolate myself from my horrible awful parents and never contanct them after highschool and never come home from christmas and they will never meet their grandchildren and i will block them out of my life as best i can. they are so horrible.

i mean it.

oohhhh temptations.

-demi

check, check, check out reality.